You & Me Read online

  We left in the middle of the night, sneaking out without a trace. After so many years together, I knew it was only a matter of time before Trent’s anger erupted into violence. In fact, I was amazed we had made it that far with him only using his tongue as a weapon. I was shocked that Trent didn’t try to follow, didn’t attempt to get us back. But he moved on and forgot about us, it seemed. I looked him up on Facebook and learned he’d found a new younger woman to dominate and started a new family.

  Going it alone has been tough, but I’ve always been thankful I got out when I did. Even easing back into life in my hometown was challenge. I was the girl who ran off with an older man—the girl who got pregnant at twenty-three, had a baby at twenty-four without a ring on my finger. I was the girl who caused my mother so much grief and wasn’t there at her deathbed. I heard the whispers—it didn’t matter that I was thirty-five years old and had clawed my way back to a peaceful, if not easy, existence. I was still a disgrace.

  My parents had left their house to me, so I had someplace to move into. It had fallen into a bit of disrepair after they passed away, but it was paid off. I only needed to pay the taxes. Not cheap in our town, but doable. I got a job at an elementary school a few towns over as a special education aid. I loved working with the kids—they opened my mind and filled my heart every day. And it was school hours. A year or two ago I started tending bar again at night, just to keep us floating above water. I never even talked to the men who tried to engage me—a head nod and polite smile let them know I was there to serve them liquor and nothing more. I only took the job, because it’s a paycheck and you can’t beat the tips.

  I often imagine Billy sliding onto a stool when I’m tending bar. He used to sit and keep me company, and I always felt protected. He’d tell me silly jokes or pretend to be my boyfriend if someone was bothering me. When I met Trent, Billy wasn’t there because he had just started a new job in the city. I felt like suddenly Billy had this grown up life in Manhattan that I wasn’t a part of. He was working for a glossy magazine and living a sophisticated lifestyle—out every night at events, a new circle of friends. He still made time for me, but I felt like a small town girl compared to his city friends. When I met Trent, Billy was looking for an apartment in the city. I knew it was just a matter of time before Billy and I grew apart.

  Hearing our song at school drop-off, the school we both went to—spiraled me back to those days. But, I had been thinking more and more about Billy, especially with Valentine’s Day right around the corner. As much as Trent loathed Valentine’s Day, that’s how much Billy loved it. Flowers, candy and stuffed animals were just the start. There was always a grand gesture.

  One year following dinner at our favorite Italian restaurant, Billy blindfolded me and drove to the North Shore. When he took off my blindfold we were parked facing the Long Island Sound—a million stars winking at us from above. He pulled a picnic basket from the backseat and whispered, “Sweets for my sweet.”

  “You’re so corny!” I exclaimed, but I loved it and savored every chocolate covered strawberry and white chocolate mousse truffle. The wind whipped around the car, but I never felt so warm and safe.

  I shook my head—I was so caught up in daydreaming about Billy that I missed my exit and would be late for work. I dreaded the approach of Valentine’s Day, not just for myself but for Josie now too. I knew there was a boy she liked. I may have accidentally seen a text that popped up on her home screen while her phone was charging—the only time it wasn’t in her hand. He’s here! U have to get 2 the mall now. OMG! So cute. U will die. The next text said, Get here now and talk 2 him. Okay, maybe I didn’t see it accidentally. Maybe when I heard it chime, I picked it up and read it. But, if she truly didn’t want me to ever see snippets of her texts, she could set notifications to not preview. Or at least that’s what I told myself.

  I kept waiting for Josie to confide in me. It never happened. Then I simply waited for her to go on a date—didn’t happen either, at least not that I knew of. I worried incessantly that mine and Trent’s disastrous relationship scared her off guys all together. Any time I tried to talk to her, I got snapped at—like asking her about the junior prom.

  I promised myself to give her space and not worry about whether or not there was a boy she liked and whether he liked her. She was only sixteen. Just because I was in love then, didn’t mean she had to be. I decided it was better for her to wait until she was older anyway. Filled with newfound gratitude that I didn’t have to protect her from heartbreak yet, I headed into work. My best friend, Anna, was out and I was left to my thoughts all day as I helped the kids with cutting, pasting, the on and off of jackets and all the other minutia of a day at school. I loved them and they inspired me every day, but on this day my head just kept spinning back to Billy. I didn’t know how to shake his ghost.

  Chapter Three

  When I returned from work and errands just before Josie got home, I noticed a small, rectangular brown package sticking out of the mailbox. My heart revved up—ridiculously, because my head knew that it must be something entirely different from what I was imagining. My arms were full of groceries. I tried to balance everything on my knee and pull out the box, but I nearly dropped the bags. Setting them down inside, I rushed back out and extracted the box. It certainly felt like a box of candy hearts and sounded like a box of candy hearts when I shook it. Valentine’s Day was awfully close, but I still couldn’t believe it. I had looked for Billy for so long, I couldn’t imagine that suddenly he’d just present himself, especially on a day that he occupied my thoughts in a way he hadn’t for a long, long time.

  I threw the rest of the mail on the side table and sat down with the box. No clues on the outside: no return address and my address was printed on a sticker, so I couldn’t even compare the handwriting to what I remembered so many years ago. I turned the package over in my hands, remembering the feel and the anticipation of ripping open that brown paper when I was young. I seriously couldn’t believe how giddy I felt. It was probably just a sample of cereal or something.

  I slowly opened the paper to reveal it was indeed candy hearts. A mixture of disbelief and sheer joy mingled in my heart and head as I turned the box over to read the message. Only, there was no message; it was blank. I had to assume it was Billy, but I couldn’t know. I had told Anna the story. Maybe she was trying to cheer me up. She knew I hated this holiday.

  Anna answered on the first ring. “Did you send me a box of candy hearts?”

  “Um, hello. No, I didn’t send you candy hearts. Why in the world are you asking me that?”

  “I got a box of candy hearts with no return address. I figured that since I told you the story about Billy, maybe you wanted to cheer me up, knowing the darkest day of the year is around the corner.”

  “Honestly, if I had thought about it, maybe I would have. But, I can’t take credit.”

  “So strange,” I mused

  “Do you think maybe Billy sent them? He knows your parents’ address. It’s not like you’re living out of state any more. He could easily find you.”

  “Yes, but it seemed like he’s fallen off the face of the Earth. I’ve looked for him on everything. I’ve Googled him a million times—even this morning. I think he moved to Siberia or something.”

  “Maybe he’s blocked you on social media for some reason. Maybe he was afraid to see you happy or to be reminded of what he lost. All your stories of him sound so romantic. Or maybe just the way you ended…” Anna trailed off. I knew what she meant. I wasn’t the best person to Billy, choosing a verbally abusive asshole over him is something I’ll always regret.

  “Why don’t you look him up? Even if he blocked me, you should be able to see him,” I said.

  “What’s his last name again?”

  “Billy Leibowitz.”

  After a few minutes of silence, Anna said, “I got nothing. A few pics of Billy Crystal, Fran Leibowitz and Jon Stewart. I didn’t know that he was born Jonathan Stuart Leibowitz. Learn so
mething new every day. I just love him.”

  “Anna, focus, although I do love Jon Stewart. Anything at all? Go on Facebook.”

  “A few William Leibowitzs. No Billy. Maybe he goes by William now. Did you search for that name?”

  “They all came up when I searched for Billy Leibowitz—it brings up William too. None of them are him. Try Twitter.”

  “Nothing—same William Leibowitz as Facebook, and that’s it.”

  “You see, he fell off the face of the Earth.”

  “Just because he’s not on Facebook or Twitter doesn’t mean he fell off the face of the Earth, Alex.”

  “I know that, but he’s nowhere to be found. People Search, Google—everyone has some sort of digital footprint in this day and age. I think everyone can be found, unless they’re in the witness protection program.”

  “Maybe he is.”

  “I suppose it’s possible. But, I doubt it. Though, he always was standing up for anyone who got picked on. There was this one really scrawny boy—he was tormented by a group of kids, real losers. Billy told them to cut the shit or he’d beat the crap out of each one of them. He was so popular and had those bulging biceps, they actually stopped,” I sighed. “I doubt he would have beaten them up, though. There was a slight nerdiness to him. He didn’t realize how strong, magnetic, and just plain gorgeous he was. He never bragged about anything. But, he did feel passionately about helping anyone wronged.”

  “Seriously, this guy sounds like a unicorn. There were no boys like that in my high school. The muscle-bound boys were the bullies, not the ones who stood up for others. Are you sure he really existed? Maybe you imagined the whole thing.” Anna laughed.

  “Very funny,” I chuckled. “Look at my Facebook, you’ll see photos of us in the 90s albums.”

  “I know. I’ve seen them. He was adorable. The two of you were adorable.”

  “Do you think these could possibly be from Billy?” I whispered.

  “What other explanation could there be?”

  “None that I can think of, but who knows…”

  “I think they are. I think after all the shit you’ve been through, you deserve a happily ever after, even if you don’t believe in fairy tales any more,” Anna said.

  Since we met three years ago at work, Anna had spent literally hours trying to talk me into dating again. She’d show me dating websites and apps, insist I go to singles events with her and basically beg and cajole me into having an open mind. She finally gave up about a year ago. Apparently, my constant scowl at singles volleyball and bowling kind of put people off. It was better for everyone if I just stayed home, which was absolutely fine with me. After Trent I was so much happier by myself. No complications, no one telling me what to do. My family has always been Josie.

  But Billy…now he would be different. He would be a known quantity. Unless his personality drastically changed, which I realized with a sense of sadness, was entirely possible; he would never try to control me. Of course, memories of teenage relationships will always be viewed through rose-colored glasses, but I didn’t think I tinted my memories of our relationship too much.

  “I might believe in fairy tales if Billy was my knight…”

  “That makes me so happy, hon. No one deserves a fairy tale ending more than you do.”

  “Thanks, but I think you’re pretty deserving of your own fairy tale ending too.”

  “Maybe someday. I’m not holding my breath.”

  I immediately bonded with Anna the moment I met her. She had just gone through an acrimonious divorce and was still reeling. I was never more thankful that Trent and I weren’t married than when I was listening to Anna’s tale of woe. It was so easy for me to make a clean break. Anna and her ex battled over custody, money, their house. It took years to finally settle everything. “I know it seems like it’ll never happen again…”

  Anna interrupted me. “It’s not just that it seems like it’ll never happen again. I don’t want it to happen again. I don’t want to get involved with anyone. You were right all along about not wanting to go to those singles things. I’ve decided I’m happy on my own, just me and my little guy, who’s not so little now. I still think of him as small, but he’s taller than I am. He’ll be in high school next year.”

  “It goes so fast. I can’t believe that in a year and a half Josie will be heading off to college. She’ll probably choose a school as far away as possible.” I was filled with a moment of panic. What would I do when she was gone? I’d be alone. But unlike Anna, I didn’t want to be alone. I wanted to be with Billy again. It was a longing that I didn’t realize I even had. I had never wanted to date, but when I thought about Billy it seemed so easy. I hadn’t even seen him in almost two decades, but I didn’t care what he looked like.

  “You’ll be okay when Josie leaves for college. Maybe you’ll go back to school. You know, you’re so good with the kids, you should be a teacher, not just an assistant.”

  “Thank you. But, I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe I’ll follow Josie to college and enroll with her. Could you imagine? She’d drop out in a heartbeat probably.”

  “I was kind of thinking a local school. You know, night school or something. Not actually following your daughter and being a co-ed with her, though that might be fun. Maybe I should follow Cooper when he leaves home.”

  I laughed, but said, “I think we both need something else to look forward to in life, something else to concentrate on to break us out of our middle-aged ennui.”

  “Yes, that’s exactly what it is…middle-aged ennui. But, I’m deeper into middle age than you are. I’m rounding the bend to fifty. Remember, I was a late bloomer. I didn’t get married until I was thirty-five and didn’t get pregnant until I was thirty-six.”

  “Okay, I may not be deep into middle age, but that ennui is setting in, for sure.” I sighed.

  “I have a feeling you won’t be bored for long. I truly think it’s Billy who sent you the hearts,” Anna said.

  “You know, I do too,” I answered, feeling hope for the first time in ages, years really. “Thanks for listening, Anna.”

  “Anytime, Babe. I’ve gotta run now and pick up Cooper. Thanks for letting me live vicariously through you. See you tomorrow.”

  “No. Thank you,” I said. “See you in the morning.”

  By the time I got home from work the next day I was feeling a bit hopeless again. On the ride home I started thinking about Josie going away to school so soon. I knew it was a year and a half away, but it felt like time was slipping through my fingers. It felt like I was in a speeding car hurtling down a winding road with no brakes.

  I heard the loud, menacing barks of my pittie mush, Hank, alerting me that the mail had arrived. Hank would absolutely lick the mailman to death if he got out, but he sounded so scary that the mailman threw my mail in the box and ran every day. He didn’t even bother to close it. My heart hammered as I peered out the front door into the open mailbox. Its wide plastic mouth, perched at the top of the metal pole, invited me to reach in. And there it was—a small box wrapped in brown paper. Another one.

  I almost held my breath as I opened it, even though it was clear what it was from the shape and the telltale rattle. The pink box had a message on the back. It said, “Miss you always.” I tried to remember Billy’s handwriting. It seemed forever ago, but I thought this looked familiar. Neater for sure, but did handwriting change much? From childhood yes, but I didn’t think it changed so much from twenty-two or -three. Still, it couldn’t be anyone else’s words. It had to be Billy.

  I got back on Facebook and looked up Billy by his middle name, Daniel. Nothing. I gave up and told myself that if he wanted to see me, he would. And, if it were indeed Billy sending the candy hearts and not just some cosmically crazy coincidence, he’d make himself known soon enough.

  Chapter Four

  When Josie got home from school I showed her the second box of candy hearts. Her eyes grew wide. “This is like the book I just finished by Blake Lincoln, Cra
zy for You. Austin loves this girl, Natasha. She’s his best friend. But, Natasha moves away before Austin can tell her that he loves her.” Josie sighs dramatically before continuing. “Her mother died and her father took her away from everything she knows and loves. Her school, her friends—everything is miles and miles away.”

  “Sounds like a great book!” I always tried to encourage Josie’s love of reading.

  “Wait, let me finish. Her father takes her away, even though she begs him to stay. Then she starts getting boxes of candy hearts in the mail.” Josie pauses, for effect, I imagine. “At first she doesn’t know who’s sending them, but then the last package is just a beautiful velvet gift box with one candy heart that says, Crazy for You. There’s a note from Austin in it.” Josie was silent for a moment, checking her phone.

  “Well, what does the note say?” She’s gotten me sucked in by the story.

  “It says, ‘I’m crazy for you. Look outside.’ She looks outside and he’s standing there. He got on a plane to find her.”

  I resisted saying that was totally unrealistic. What parents would allow their teenage child to get on a plane to surprise a girl? “Wow, so romantic.”

  “It gets better. He was there visiting colleges because he decided to apply only to colleges close to her.”

  Well, that made more sense—a parent was probably with him. “What if she decided to go to college back where she was from?”

  “That’s the crazy part, they both get into colleges where the other one is and they have to decide what to do.”

  “So, what did they do?”

  “She went back home. Her father was abusive, so she escaped him and returned to her hometown and her love.”

  “So, he didn’t go to school where she moved?”

  “Nah. He never wanted to be in California, but that’s where Natasha’s father took her. Austin only went there for her. He went to college in New York City. They both did.”